Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
