The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
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I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
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He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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