True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
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He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
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she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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