i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
