At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
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and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
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What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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