Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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