i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
