apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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