You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
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oh and then you called a time out with your penis
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
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Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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