so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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