the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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