her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
She's not a foreskin expert like you
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
