I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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