??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
