Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
