Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Randomize
