I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
