I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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