You made me cry and you don't even care
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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