yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one