so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
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I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
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I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.