White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
