May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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