Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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