I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
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I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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