No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
