How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
