Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
