I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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