I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
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Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
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I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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