As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Randomize
