I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
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