Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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