I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
