I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
