bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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