Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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