just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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