Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
