Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
