I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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