Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
