You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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