I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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