If that was your dad, he is hot
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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