I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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