so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
