you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Randomize
