Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
