i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
