So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
i need to put some appletini on your dick
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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