dude i'm inner monologue high
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
