I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
