I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
