At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
