i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
