I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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