She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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